Little Miss Letyouknow

You know what? I hate losing. A lot.

In the last two weeks, I've had 3 soccer games, and 2 volleyball games. ALL of which I have lost.

The crappy thing is, they're team sports, so individually I can't really do all that much.

I definitely get worked up when I'm losing, especially because I try so hard.

It's also just different, considering I'm used to my SLOHS volleyball and

soccer teams, both of which were good.

So its challenging having to adjust to playing with people of different skill levels.

Hopefully, one of these next few weeks I'll get a W.

Losing games just remind me of my last post.

And what I've lost.

You can say I'm doing better.

And by better, I mean filling my time with whatever I can.

Things that keep my mind off of it.

Working out being one of the things.

I've been able to channel it all into pumping iron.

Hopefully in some amount of months I'll look a bit bigger. Ha!

No need to dwell on emotions.

I don't really feel the need to lay whatever else I have out right now.

I feel that reverting to any leftover emotion just intensifies them.

Instead I face it, and switch my train of thought.

Not as if I don't think of it, most obviously I do.

But I have to try as hard as possible not to let it affect me.

So I turn from it.

School is going just fine. I can't believe I'm at the halfway point already. Crazy!

5 page paper from Humanities was brutal, but I punched it in the face.

Midterm for Econ, I kicked that one in the face.

Next up to get dominated, MUS14 and American Politics (Poli Sci might actually beat me).

So, hoping for a smooth next few weeks, but at UCSD, I don't think that's possible.

Spiritually I'm doing well. Cru and bible studies are well, keep me accountable.

Started reading Acts and praying more, but then school started getting incredibly busy.

No excuse though, I've got to keep on it.

I enjoyed it, it was enriching, and just made things more brighter.

Going to try and get back in it this week, and continue that through.

On Friday I had an interview for Hume Lake at Point Loma

(that school has such beautiful women, how I wish UCSD was more like that)

The interview went well, I enjoyed just sharing about my life, my walk, and how much I have loved, and will continue to love Hume.

I will find out in March if I'm one of the 300-400 chosen. I really hope so.

What an amazing summer it would be to work at one of my favorite places.

So as I begin to start week 5.

I'm still striving to look at the bright side.

Whether I feel like waking up or whether I decide to be happy,

The sun is still gonna rise, the world is going to spin.

There's nothing I can do about what has already happened.

But for the things that haven't, I can try for.

Live, love, laugh. That's what I'll try.

Life is meant to be lived.

Not focusing on what is behind, but striving towards what is ahead.

That IS the race that God has prepared for me. (Philippians 3:13-14)

With love and prayer and kind regards.

Hoping your emotions are better than mine.

-Dan

So tell me, why do I keep holding on?

Why do I keep staring down the barrel of a loaded gun?

Then tell me why can't I just let go?

Somebody knows, then tell me.

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Pretend. Relive. Regret

Time: 1:18 am.

So, I feel like laying it all off my chest. Complete honesty.

It's weird to feel something I really don't think I've felt before.

So, that which can't be expressed from my lips, we'll be expressed through typing.

I'm tired of holding it all inside.

Saying goodbye to someone we love, without really wanting to,

is heavy on the heart.

It's not as if we can stop loving or caring about them though.

The worst thing, is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.

So I grasp tight to what I do have. Memory.

To lie, I'd say I wish I had never met you.

Then, I could sleep. Reminiscence wouldn't demand my company.

I wouldn't have to fight the knowledge that there is someone like you out there.

But I can't. I can't force myself to believe that.

Instead, I spend every waking second, every spare moment, thinking.

Taylor says it best:

"Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you"

It's not as if everything will vanish. You can't make it go away.

I meant everything I said. I can promise you my heart always has a spot for you.

A million words can't bring you back.

At this point, I don't think anything can.

Nothing I could Do. Say. Wish. Pray.

However, I cannot fathom letting you go.

Because a part of me will love you for the rest of my life.

A faithful companion tagging alongside for as long as I walk.

Masked by delight, content, worry, hurt, pride, serenity and disappointment.

I'm gonna love you until I die.

And until they lay me low,

I want you to know.

I'll pray that love will bless and find you

Pray for joy and happiness.

Pray for two strong arms around you

Pray that with time, you'll someday find love.

A good friend recently told me

"You won't ever find someone like her, but you may find someone better.

God will work it out. Consciously decide to switch your train of thought and move on."

Emily, oh how I agree. How I long for it to be that easy.

However,

People say it takes a stronger man to let go then to hold on.

I must question there mindset of what they mean by letting go.

Is it everything you love about that person?

The way they smile. The way they laugh. The fact that who they are, is perfect to you.

You can't let go of the things you'll never forget.

So what exactly do they mean?

Try and try again as I overload my capability to mule over this,

I can't come up with a single reason of "letting go".

If instead, they would say; live your life, yet never forget

I could agree.

There's nothing I can do to change the moment.

What I did. Or what I didn't do, is unchangeable.

Yet I can't forget. No man should ever forget.

It's as if he loses a bit of himself if he does.

So instead, I say:

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Use what God has given you, the pains of your past,

to create the best of today.

Each morning, when I open my eyes, I say to myself;

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Carpe Diem.

However, happiness is not found in me. It is not found in this sinful world.

Amidst suffering. Amidst insuppressible emotion. Amidst joy.

There is nothing I'd rather seek than the Savior of my soul.

My LORD, my love.

God,

Grant me the serenity;

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen

Jesus, lover of my soul.

I love you, I need you.

Though my world may fall.

I'll never let you go.

Though pains pull me down,

Upon your head sat a bristled crown,

And with it you said

"I love you and I will never let you go"

So as I look at my heart. I see it time and time again,

crumble, then taped back together again.

However, unlike my heart. Unlike this fickle life we lead.

He is steadfast. Forever strong. Forever true.

God knows what He has for my life

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

And I trust in Him. With everything in me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

I can't grasp the understanding of what this situation entails for my life.

Why I feel the overwhelming emotion that I do.

Nonetheless, I've yet to grasp the reason for any situation in my life.

Why my dad left me, why I've lost this or that friend, why my relationship ended.

But do I really need to know? God knows. And that is all that matters.

I cannot wait for the day I stand face to face with my God.

I always picture an instance, where I ask God, why did "this" happen.

And, like a map, He goes through every instance of my life, and what it led up to.

Therefore, I know He is good. What He does is good. And therefore, a situation like this,

Is good as well.

I really expect no one to have read this far.

I expect nothing of the sort.

But, everyone hurts.

Everyone must face moments in their life, where they have the urge, the need to yell and scream and stomp and fuss, and even cry. I have had many of those nights the past few weeks.

But I can assure you there is greater Love with arms wide open.

I run to them. I will continue to run to them

I urge the same to you as well.

With so much love from a sunken heart.

~Dan

Time 3:22 am

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I'll Always Love You

So, I'm a week and a day into the new quarter.

I guess I can say its nice to be back. But that's a slight lie.

I want to be back, without school, or with a lot of things to do.

But so far, its class, soccer, and thinking. Same as usual.

This weekend was a change though. It was one of the most fun weekends in a while.

It was nice to keep my mind off things, and just enjoy others.

-Friday night was 80's skating with Crusade, and it was definitely legit to find old bright 80s clothing at Salvation army, and dressing up. I think everyone there that wasn't in Crusade thought we were wack, but it's okay, it was awesome.

-Saturday I planned on visiting my friend Tara, but things didn't work out, so instead I drove east to Escondido and hung out with Emily Bell and Emily Earwicker. We went to Bate's Nut Farm and fed animals (where I got bit by a mule!) and then found a picnic table and all played guitars and worshipped. It was awesome, I love their voices so much. We went over to Emily Bell's house, and Laura came over and we hung out and played Mad Gab and that too was fun :)

-Sunday. Sunday "day" was filled with anticipation. For what? PHIL WICKHAM! Possibly my favorite artist. Laura, Jordan, Emily and Tamara came down for the concert, and it was cool chillin' with them, but my goodness. Phil Wickham is absolutely amazing live. His voice is fantastic, and the way he turns the concert into worship was just great. I also got to shake his hand, and get my shirt signed by him. So sick!

So that was a quick recap of my weekend.

I love when people keep your mind off things.

It's been an emotional past couple of weeks, so uplifting fun stuff is always wonderful.

Hope for more of it.

I have a meeting this Friday to switch out of Revelle, I really hope I can, all these GE's are ridiculous. I also have voice lessons on Friday, got to start making this voice work so I can lead worship for Cru and hear the D-Trip harmonize!

Last Wednesday at Flood college group, we talked about John 8: 1-11

¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

² At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

For some reason, I couldn't help but look at myself. Look at how many times I beat myself up for being so absolutely, ridiculously stupid. The fact that I feel like I can never get anything right, that I constantly fail at everything I do; being a good friend, living for Christ, keeping a relationship, I seem to always mess up. Internally I continue to yell at myself, why can't I do this, look like this, etc.

But then I saw, I saw myself in the crowd, condemning me in front of them. Like I was being condemned for being so messed up, by me. And then, I hear Christ tell myself that "the first without sin can begin the judgement" and I realize that I am not perfect. I can't be perfect. There is no possibility of that in this life. And so, I can't help but fix my eyes upon the One who is. Kneeling down, writing in the sand, looking at me. Saying "then neither do I condemn you." So why must I run myself so ragged over mistakes. Knowing that Christ, beaten, bruised, put on a cross, for the stupid self I am, I find relief, and shelter in Him. There's nothing I can do, but try, and try harder. I won't be perfect until I meet Him face to face, and until then, I will push on, focus on Him, to glorify Him in what I do.

Forever I'll tell you

Yeah, I'll scream until it hurts

That I can't live without you

You are Heaven, I am Earth

And even from the moment that you saved my life

I knew, that I'll always love you.

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All of the Lights

I read this today. Good words.

1. Approve of yourself.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If yo

u don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumpin

g into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.

Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.

So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may

think.

And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of yourself become a self-imposed roadblock in your life.

It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up and have some fun.

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to

laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind isn’t filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more light-hearted and relaxed then

the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this topic.

4. Let go of anger.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Anger is most of the time pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it often more hurtful for the one being angry then the person s/he’s angry at.

So even if you feel angry at someone for days recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her. So either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When you are young your mom and dad may give a lot of things. As you grow older you may have a sort of entitlement. You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect it to. On the other hand, this can be liberating too. You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something.

You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions.

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and

judgements they make.

And that’s OK. I think it’s pretty likely that they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.

So what other people may say and think and letting that hold you back is probably just fantasy

and barrier you build in your mind.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created then people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. :) They might just go: “OK”.

7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in situation, what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else.

I

t may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote yesterday, one of the best ways to

feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way.

This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and exchange of value between people. You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the

both of you are feeling good and helping each other.

Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too. And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade

winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder - on your fridge or bathroom door - of what you can actually do with your life.

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