It seems like eternity since I last penned down my thoughts. There has been countless times where things on my mind have warranted me to sit and write, yet I've never done so. You may ask why, but I honestly have no answer in response. This post will lead you to nothing new in my life, no updated experiences, but instead, a realization.
I, Danual Lee Moon, am worthless. I am a constant failure that never does anything right. I ruin the most wonderful relationships. I am unlovable. People don't like me. I am good at nothing. I have no friends. I'm not good enough. I can't sing. I want to change my life. I don't trust. I've been hurt. I am hurt. I'm skinny. I am worth no one's time. I am a burden. I'm emotional. I'm closed-in. I'm boring. I'm stupid. I'm nostalgic. I deserve nothing. I am ugly.
The list can, and does go on. Negative, are they not? They are, however, the thoughts I hold about myself. I am self conscious, to say the least. Past experiences, and even things of this year, seem to be my support to this reasoning. If you ask me "what are things you like about yourself?", I seem to stumble as if my legs we're tied together and I was told to run 100 meters. It's a Herculean feat for me to think of my positives. Why? Because I feel like I have none. (This is not a pity post, hence the word "realization.") My response to compliments are often times laughs, because I do not know how to take them. They are opposite of what I see myself as. The few that know me and my low-self concept try to convince me otherwise. It is indeed a formidable foe for me.
Amidst a late night conversation with a friend though, the subject was breached. It was the iceberg to my Titanic. Beginning the sinking process of the SS "Self-Worthlessness". Where it began to sink, quite expeditious I might add, was sitting in front of a mirror at the gym. A bench in a corner, where nobody was, called my name, therefore enabling me to do my shoulder press alone. In the intermissions between sets, I sat there, looking at myself in the mirror, thinking. However, only one thing repeated through my mind.
"For You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works, and my soul knows very well" - Psalm 139: 14
Constantly in life, my heart battled my mind. My mind telling me I'm not good enough, my heart saying that there's One who loves me more than I can fathom. My mind stood triumphant over, what seemed, a disheartened and weary competitor. All day today, I could not relieve my mind of this subject. And my heart began to take a stand for himself.
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we may walk in them" - Ephesians 2:10
The mindset, onerous as it may be, is one I'm striving to trump. Let my ship sink, no need to throw a life-line for this one. I know I'm not a perfect person, but I know that God made me perfectly in His image (Genesis 1:27). I find confidence in that fact, God loves me because He made me. So I am going to actively pursue a mindset that agrees with my heartset. Love me because God loves me. Though I may still have my demons, my downfalls, and my nostalgia, I face them with the notion that I am who God made me to be. This song came on my shuffle today (coincidence, eh?), and I thought I'd share. I am more than the mistakes I've made.
This therefore leads me to the same subject (ish?), different topic. Not me, but you, or rather, us. Thirty minutes into my poli-sci discussion last week we talked about beauty for a few minutes. What is beauty? The outward facade our society throws us: airbrushed and computer enhanced models for women and muscular, six pack, huge pectorals and biceps for the men. And we are sucked in like bears to honey.
Why are we so okay with being downgraded, defined, and deemed "ugly" by people whose opinions don't even matter? Remember, they are just opinions. We ignore people's opinion on music, on books, and the like, but why not their definition of beauty?
There could never be a more beautiful you. And I mean it. You are perfectly beautiful just the way you are. And the men (or women) who deem you the opposite are unworthy of you. It absolutely breaks my heart to see girls torn apart by our society, by boys, because they aren't "good enough." Psalm 45:11 says, "The King is enthralled by your beauty". Why then do we fall into the lies, the deception, that this vanishing world throws toward us? If the Maker and Creator is enthralled by our beauty, then why do mere men and women matter? They don't.
Dear reader,
I'm telling you with every inch of passion in me that you are beautiful. Gorgeous. Charming. Delightful. Graceful. Radiant. Stunning. (OR) handsome, good-looking, well-formed, superb. Let nobody tell you otherwise. For who are they to judge what is beauty? Don't form to the world, their view of beauty is fleeting, as is everything in this world. There is one man (or lady) who finds you as precious as silver, and will love you for who you are. There is one God who finds you beautiful beyond compare. And I for one am telling you that you are. God loves your beauty how it is. Even more so, beauty "should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyle sand the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-5). Focus your heart on what matters, but know there can NEVER be a more beautiful you.
With love,
Dan
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