Pretend. Relive. Regret

Time: 1:18 am.

So, I feel like laying it all off my chest. Complete honesty.

It's weird to feel something I really don't think I've felt before.

So, that which can't be expressed from my lips, we'll be expressed through typing.

I'm tired of holding it all inside.

Saying goodbye to someone we love, without really wanting to,

is heavy on the heart.

It's not as if we can stop loving or caring about them though.

The worst thing, is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.

So I grasp tight to what I do have. Memory.

To lie, I'd say I wish I had never met you.

Then, I could sleep. Reminiscence wouldn't demand my company.

I wouldn't have to fight the knowledge that there is someone like you out there.

But I can't. I can't force myself to believe that.

Instead, I spend every waking second, every spare moment, thinking.

Taylor says it best:

"Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you"

It's not as if everything will vanish. You can't make it go away.

I meant everything I said. I can promise you my heart always has a spot for you.

A million words can't bring you back.

At this point, I don't think anything can.

Nothing I could Do. Say. Wish. Pray.

However, I cannot fathom letting you go.

Because a part of me will love you for the rest of my life.

A faithful companion tagging alongside for as long as I walk.

Masked by delight, content, worry, hurt, pride, serenity and disappointment.

I'm gonna love you until I die.

And until they lay me low,

I want you to know.

I'll pray that love will bless and find you

Pray for joy and happiness.

Pray for two strong arms around you

Pray that with time, you'll someday find love.

A good friend recently told me

"You won't ever find someone like her, but you may find someone better.

God will work it out. Consciously decide to switch your train of thought and move on."

Emily, oh how I agree. How I long for it to be that easy.

However,

People say it takes a stronger man to let go then to hold on.

I must question there mindset of what they mean by letting go.

Is it everything you love about that person?

The way they smile. The way they laugh. The fact that who they are, is perfect to you.

You can't let go of the things you'll never forget.

So what exactly do they mean?

Try and try again as I overload my capability to mule over this,

I can't come up with a single reason of "letting go".

If instead, they would say; live your life, yet never forget

I could agree.

There's nothing I can do to change the moment.

What I did. Or what I didn't do, is unchangeable.

Yet I can't forget. No man should ever forget.

It's as if he loses a bit of himself if he does.

So instead, I say:

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Use what God has given you, the pains of your past,

to create the best of today.

Each morning, when I open my eyes, I say to myself;

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Carpe Diem.

However, happiness is not found in me. It is not found in this sinful world.

Amidst suffering. Amidst insuppressible emotion. Amidst joy.

There is nothing I'd rather seek than the Savior of my soul.

My LORD, my love.

God,

Grant me the serenity;

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen

Jesus, lover of my soul.

I love you, I need you.

Though my world may fall.

I'll never let you go.

Though pains pull me down,

Upon your head sat a bristled crown,

And with it you said

"I love you and I will never let you go"

So as I look at my heart. I see it time and time again,

crumble, then taped back together again.

However, unlike my heart. Unlike this fickle life we lead.

He is steadfast. Forever strong. Forever true.

God knows what He has for my life

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

And I trust in Him. With everything in me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

I can't grasp the understanding of what this situation entails for my life.

Why I feel the overwhelming emotion that I do.

Nonetheless, I've yet to grasp the reason for any situation in my life.

Why my dad left me, why I've lost this or that friend, why my relationship ended.

But do I really need to know? God knows. And that is all that matters.

I cannot wait for the day I stand face to face with my God.

I always picture an instance, where I ask God, why did "this" happen.

And, like a map, He goes through every instance of my life, and what it led up to.

Therefore, I know He is good. What He does is good. And therefore, a situation like this,

Is good as well.

I really expect no one to have read this far.

I expect nothing of the sort.

But, everyone hurts.

Everyone must face moments in their life, where they have the urge, the need to yell and scream and stomp and fuss, and even cry. I have had many of those nights the past few weeks.

But I can assure you there is greater Love with arms wide open.

I run to them. I will continue to run to them

I urge the same to you as well.

With so much love from a sunken heart.

~Dan

Time 3:22 am

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