Pretend. Relive. Regret

Time: 1:18 am.

So, I feel like laying it all off my chest. Complete honesty.

It's weird to feel something I really don't think I've felt before.

So, that which can't be expressed from my lips, we'll be expressed through typing.

I'm tired of holding it all inside.

Saying goodbye to someone we love, without really wanting to,

is heavy on the heart.

It's not as if we can stop loving or caring about them though.

The worst thing, is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.

So I grasp tight to what I do have. Memory.

To lie, I'd say I wish I had never met you.

Then, I could sleep. Reminiscence wouldn't demand my company.

I wouldn't have to fight the knowledge that there is someone like you out there.

But I can't. I can't force myself to believe that.

Instead, I spend every waking second, every spare moment, thinking.

Taylor says it best:

"Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you"

It's not as if everything will vanish. You can't make it go away.

I meant everything I said. I can promise you my heart always has a spot for you.

A million words can't bring you back.

At this point, I don't think anything can.

Nothing I could Do. Say. Wish. Pray.

However, I cannot fathom letting you go.

Because a part of me will love you for the rest of my life.

A faithful companion tagging alongside for as long as I walk.

Masked by delight, content, worry, hurt, pride, serenity and disappointment.

I'm gonna love you until I die.

And until they lay me low,

I want you to know.

I'll pray that love will bless and find you

Pray for joy and happiness.

Pray for two strong arms around you

Pray that with time, you'll someday find love.

A good friend recently told me

"You won't ever find someone like her, but you may find someone better.

God will work it out. Consciously decide to switch your train of thought and move on."

Emily, oh how I agree. How I long for it to be that easy.

However,

People say it takes a stronger man to let go then to hold on.

I must question there mindset of what they mean by letting go.

Is it everything you love about that person?

The way they smile. The way they laugh. The fact that who they are, is perfect to you.

You can't let go of the things you'll never forget.

So what exactly do they mean?

Try and try again as I overload my capability to mule over this,

I can't come up with a single reason of "letting go".

If instead, they would say; live your life, yet never forget

I could agree.

There's nothing I can do to change the moment.

What I did. Or what I didn't do, is unchangeable.

Yet I can't forget. No man should ever forget.

It's as if he loses a bit of himself if he does.

So instead, I say:

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Use what God has given you, the pains of your past,

to create the best of today.

Each morning, when I open my eyes, I say to myself;

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Carpe Diem.

However, happiness is not found in me. It is not found in this sinful world.

Amidst suffering. Amidst insuppressible emotion. Amidst joy.

There is nothing I'd rather seek than the Savior of my soul.

My LORD, my love.

God,

Grant me the serenity;

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage, to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen

Jesus, lover of my soul.

I love you, I need you.

Though my world may fall.

I'll never let you go.

Though pains pull me down,

Upon your head sat a bristled crown,

And with it you said

"I love you and I will never let you go"

So as I look at my heart. I see it time and time again,

crumble, then taped back together again.

However, unlike my heart. Unlike this fickle life we lead.

He is steadfast. Forever strong. Forever true.

God knows what He has for my life

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

And I trust in Him. With everything in me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

I can't grasp the understanding of what this situation entails for my life.

Why I feel the overwhelming emotion that I do.

Nonetheless, I've yet to grasp the reason for any situation in my life.

Why my dad left me, why I've lost this or that friend, why my relationship ended.

But do I really need to know? God knows. And that is all that matters.

I cannot wait for the day I stand face to face with my God.

I always picture an instance, where I ask God, why did "this" happen.

And, like a map, He goes through every instance of my life, and what it led up to.

Therefore, I know He is good. What He does is good. And therefore, a situation like this,

Is good as well.

I really expect no one to have read this far.

I expect nothing of the sort.

But, everyone hurts.

Everyone must face moments in their life, where they have the urge, the need to yell and scream and stomp and fuss, and even cry. I have had many of those nights the past few weeks.

But I can assure you there is greater Love with arms wide open.

I run to them. I will continue to run to them

I urge the same to you as well.

With so much love from a sunken heart.

~Dan

Time 3:22 am

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I'll Always Love You

So, I'm a week and a day into the new quarter.

I guess I can say its nice to be back. But that's a slight lie.

I want to be back, without school, or with a lot of things to do.

But so far, its class, soccer, and thinking. Same as usual.

This weekend was a change though. It was one of the most fun weekends in a while.

It was nice to keep my mind off things, and just enjoy others.

-Friday night was 80's skating with Crusade, and it was definitely legit to find old bright 80s clothing at Salvation army, and dressing up. I think everyone there that wasn't in Crusade thought we were wack, but it's okay, it was awesome.

-Saturday I planned on visiting my friend Tara, but things didn't work out, so instead I drove east to Escondido and hung out with Emily Bell and Emily Earwicker. We went to Bate's Nut Farm and fed animals (where I got bit by a mule!) and then found a picnic table and all played guitars and worshipped. It was awesome, I love their voices so much. We went over to Emily Bell's house, and Laura came over and we hung out and played Mad Gab and that too was fun :)

-Sunday. Sunday "day" was filled with anticipation. For what? PHIL WICKHAM! Possibly my favorite artist. Laura, Jordan, Emily and Tamara came down for the concert, and it was cool chillin' with them, but my goodness. Phil Wickham is absolutely amazing live. His voice is fantastic, and the way he turns the concert into worship was just great. I also got to shake his hand, and get my shirt signed by him. So sick!

So that was a quick recap of my weekend.

I love when people keep your mind off things.

It's been an emotional past couple of weeks, so uplifting fun stuff is always wonderful.

Hope for more of it.

I have a meeting this Friday to switch out of Revelle, I really hope I can, all these GE's are ridiculous. I also have voice lessons on Friday, got to start making this voice work so I can lead worship for Cru and hear the D-Trip harmonize!

Last Wednesday at Flood college group, we talked about John 8: 1-11

¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

² At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

For some reason, I couldn't help but look at myself. Look at how many times I beat myself up for being so absolutely, ridiculously stupid. The fact that I feel like I can never get anything right, that I constantly fail at everything I do; being a good friend, living for Christ, keeping a relationship, I seem to always mess up. Internally I continue to yell at myself, why can't I do this, look like this, etc.

But then I saw, I saw myself in the crowd, condemning me in front of them. Like I was being condemned for being so messed up, by me. And then, I hear Christ tell myself that "the first without sin can begin the judgement" and I realize that I am not perfect. I can't be perfect. There is no possibility of that in this life. And so, I can't help but fix my eyes upon the One who is. Kneeling down, writing in the sand, looking at me. Saying "then neither do I condemn you." So why must I run myself so ragged over mistakes. Knowing that Christ, beaten, bruised, put on a cross, for the stupid self I am, I find relief, and shelter in Him. There's nothing I can do, but try, and try harder. I won't be perfect until I meet Him face to face, and until then, I will push on, focus on Him, to glorify Him in what I do.

Forever I'll tell you

Yeah, I'll scream until it hurts

That I can't live without you

You are Heaven, I am Earth

And even from the moment that you saved my life

I knew, that I'll always love you.

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All of the Lights

I read this today. Good words.

1. Approve of yourself.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If yo

u don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumpin

g into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.

Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.

So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may

think.

And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of yourself become a self-imposed roadblock in your life.

It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up and have some fun.

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to

laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind isn’t filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more light-hearted and relaxed then

the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this topic.

4. Let go of anger.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Anger is most of the time pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it often more hurtful for the one being angry then the person s/he’s angry at.

So even if you feel angry at someone for days recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her. So either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When you are young your mom and dad may give a lot of things. As you grow older you may have a sort of entitlement. You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect it to. On the other hand, this can be liberating too. You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something.

You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions.

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and

judgements they make.

And that’s OK. I think it’s pretty likely that they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.

So what other people may say and think and letting that hold you back is probably just fantasy

and barrier you build in your mind.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created then people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. :) They might just go: “OK”.

7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in situation, what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else.

I

t may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote yesterday, one of the best ways to

feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way.

This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and exchange of value between people. You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the

both of you are feeling good and helping each other.

Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too. And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade

winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder - on your fridge or bathroom door - of what you can actually do with your life.

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Without You Here

So this without a doubt has quite possibly been the worst December yet.

As of now, I'd rather not pen every reason and every incident.

Maybe soon.

In the midst of overwhelming emotions, I turn to music. And my three helpers at the moment; Matt Thiessen, Jonny Craig and Taylor Swift. On top of that, I think I have discovered one of my most favorite albums:

Forget & Not Slow Down by Relient K.

It is amazing, passionate, emotional, depressing, uplifting and so much more wrapped into 16 tracks. I don't think I've listened to an album that at the time I'm in, I felt I could relate so closely to. It was as if the words that flowed from his mouth were coming out of my heart. So Matt, I thank you.

Emarosa is just an amazing band with amazing lyrics.

And Taylor Swift, she just has those sappy songs that you can relate to, and then her uplifting ones that just make you smile.

Well, I have one week left of break, since I'm not going to Winter Conference anymore. I'm done house-sitting the crazy big house (I actually enjoyed it a bit though). So, hopefully I find something to do. I'm nervous going back to school, away from my beautiful San Luis Obispo. Prayer would be greatly appreciated.

I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things I can't change now.

-Dan

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Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

So, I am sitting in a Starbucks in downtown Fullerton.

You may ask why. I felt like doing something. Visiting people. So I did.

3 days in Fullerton seemed like an awesome plan.

So, as I've failed to write for the past month or more, I shall start now.

I can't recap what has happened in my life since I last wrote. So I'll just start afresh,

and hopefully keep up with this. I'll be jumping around, since I have so much running around on my mind.

It's December. I can't believe it! December already, and Christmas, 6 days!

It seems like the past few months have blown by.

Which mean so did my first quarter at UCSD.

College is difficult, more than I expected. I long for the familiarity of home, the intimacy of it, and having all my close friends. This first quarter I felt like I was just meandering through school, going to classes, sitting in my room, and playing soccer. Yes, I did get involved in Crusade, and the worship band, but I feel that once-a-week fix never really did much for me. Its as if nothing happened this quarter. No close friends, no people to call up. So upon acknowledging this, I reach out and try to grasp the past. Nostalgia kicks in. Which seems to happen a lot with me. I try to hold on to what I can from the past to somehow make me feel better, and I can't step into the future and realize what can happen. It's as if everything I do I want to scale against my life in SLO, or people I've met and grown close to.

Nostalgia nostalgia nostalgia. Why must you stick so close to my side!

Christmas break has not been all I've wanted it to be. I've wanted to be busy spending life in San Luis, but of course, instead I've been sitting around. That's why I needed to get out. And why I sit in Fullerton now.

I've always posed a question.

Why does God put things on our heart that can be so difficult, or you want SO bad to happen, and then it doesn't? I just don't understand it. It's like I feel God put it on my heart, and I pursue it, and somehow something goes wrong. It's like nothing I ever want to go right, goes right.

I love Sami and her family. What a joy it is to spend time with them. How I wished I just lived in Fullerton, and just spent time with her and them. I hate how when you love the time you spend, the time goes quickly. I wish and hope that today and tomorrow become the slowest possible days of my life.

And until next time. I cease my word flow.

Have a good day.

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Trail of stardust leading to the Shooting Star.

"I could play the background
I could play the background
'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead"

-Lecrae feat. C-Lite

So I've realized lately how life can consume my thoughts and actions

Yet I continue to let it guide how I walk and talk.

On Saturday I was at the Unashamed Movement

The Unashamed tour is:

A national tour by Trip Lee, Sho Baraka and Tedashii, along with DJ Official and special guest PRo.

This year's tour is themed "The Movement" in light of the growing body of believers from different backgrounds who are now united in Christ, living unashamed and dedicated to seeing the Lord made famous in every arena.

This fall’s tour will give 116 Clique members, throughout the nation, an opportunity to experience and be a part of the worldwide movement!

I spent three and a half hours listening to guys with multiple backgrounds rep Christ with their lyrics, and their words. The way the interjected the gospel inbetween the songs was absolutely amazing. I praise the Lord for men like this that spread the good news of Christ through hip hop.

Most importantly, it was the song Background by Lecrae that hit me the most. And the way Lecrae turned it into a worship song. The "hook" that I posted above was sung and everyone in the crowd sang it out loud as if it was a worship song. Arms raised, eyes closed, a declaration to God that he take the lead. It was incredible to see, and to take part in. We sang it a few times at the end, acapella style.

Arms raised.

Eyes closed.

Heart abandoned. (Jeremiah 17:9)

There I stood, proclaiming to my Lord to take the lead.

Its incredible how I want to run my life. How I think that this, that, and this would be better.

But like Creazy said,

"So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions

'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessin"

Whenever I want to run my life. I fall down.

But, why won't I just play the background and let Him lead.

The one whose death paid my ransom, forgiving me of my sins and making me holy and righteous in His sight so that I could be brought into a good relationship with Him and know Him, love Him and value Him above all things.

What is it in my life that wants to take the lead. Be center stage.

I need to start embracing stage fright.

Exalt Christ, and not myself.

I must trust in Him, not in me. Provers 3:5-8, lean on Him, for I will only let me down.

Let me play the background.

The background.

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Map of the Problematique

So now that I feel like I've finally gotten time to sit and write.

I'm writing.

Its crazy how busy I've been. I swear I thought I'd have more time to write.

I guess it's just the fact that "sitting and writing" is not what I have time for.

I guess it's just I spend that time doing something else.

School is crazy!

It's like you can't even get behind one day.

A fourty-page reading will slowly build into close to a hundred!

I'm enjoying college though.

The one thing I don't enjoy is how much reading I have to do! Way too much.

Oh, and also, midterms are coming up.

Sociology this thursday. Five page paper + midterm the following Monday, and a music final the following Tuesday.

Sounds like a blast!

Oh, also, the teachers don't really tell you what you need to know. Great.

If it's everything, then I'm done for.

Social life is still pretty good.

Found Campus Crusade a couple weeks ago, its called "Real Life" here.

I also got plugged into doing worship there, so that's definately been awesome.

Two things I've prayed over the most, and God has blessed me with.

He is so darn cool!

So meeting new peeps and hanging with them has been awesome.

Also, the FLOODchurch is LEGIT!

The small group on Wednesday that I'm in is also great.

All five of the guys in it I get along with really well

Definately going to be a good small group to be involved with.

Looking forward to growth!

Hmm...

What else to add to catch you up on the past few weeks.

It's like I've had so much on my mind that I want to write.

But when I sit down and write, I can't remember it.

I'm definately missing having a "huge" group of friends.

Missing the fact that I could call them and hang out when bored.

My boredom now consists of "reading ahead" (which is never) or chillin in my dorm room.

1. Because I don't have a lot of people to call

2. Because I don't like to party like "college kids party"

So I'm sitting writing this during some free-time at Fall Retreat for Crusade.

It's nice to get away from UCSD for a bit, and spend time with fellow Christians.

Well I guess this isn't really spending time with them

But ey o ey, I needed some time to finally sit and write, and update WHOEVER reads this thing.

Prayer request:

That this stupid little cold goes away!

Of course I would catch a cold before retreat and before helping lead worship.

But eh, God does everything for a reason.

Another one of those "joy in every circumstance" moments.

I feel as if any other time I would have been fine with getting a little cold.

But God makes all things work together for my good.

Something else.

Watching people play the sign game is absolutely hysterical.

1. Because I totally suck at it

2. Because there are really funny signs

3. And the person in the middle just spins around so confused!

Life is good. Prayer is always needed.

Until I can think of more to write.

I'm peacing out.

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